I actually listened to my favorite Christian song today, and almost busted into tears, but I refrained myself.  I was at the Brew, and couldn’t let people see tears. On the outside, I’m so strong with emotions, but on the inside, I’m dying for God.  All I really want is God right now.  Right now, I want to be in his arms and cry, telling him how much I love him and have missed him.  I’m always going to be his daughter, but I have that feeling of lost and loneliness.  I need him more than anything. I need to feel him, I need to hear him so he can lead me to the place where I find peace.  I’ve been so overwhelmed with many negative emotions, and all I want is happiness. He gives me hope that trusts in him.  He is the light, the truth and the way to my soul and the purpose of life.  He is everything.

“And how can I stand here with you, and not be moved by you?  Would you tell me how could it be any better than this? ‘CAUSE YOU’RE ALL I WANT, YOU’RE ALL I NEED. YOU’RE EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING.”   - Lifehouse: Everything.

I wish we were at least friends. I wish I could say hi to you without having to hide a smile. I wanna be friends. You’re such a beautiful creature and I say creature because of your looks. But I know deep down, by your posts, that you are a beautiful person on the inside too. Maybe by the end of the summer, we can have a conversation and actually laugh together. Maybe.

I had to go to this bridal shower today, and I realized I don’t want to get married until I’m at least 28.  I wore a red dress with white polka dots and my cowboy boots. I really feel pretty today. This never happens.  It’s been a great day though. I got to enjoy my mommy and sissy. I really missed my sissy. She always makes me smile and she knows how to have a great time.  She is the best sister in the world, and I would never trade her. I only hope that I can be a great sister to her like she is to me.  I can’t wait until she gets married.  She going to look so beautiful, and I get to stand next to her and be her bridesmaid.  It’ll be her special day, and she’ll live happily ever after, because she deserves to be a princess. My sister is a big inspiration to me.  Not because she has gone so far in her life, but because she has conquered the crap she has been through all her life.  No one is perfect and my sister is a perfect example of a that.  Yet again, she is the perfect example of a great person.  She has always provided for herself, and never continuously needed a man to support her.  Bobby, you better take care of my sissy.  I hope I can be as strong as you one day.  You’ve always been there to support me and push me. I’ll forever be there to help you in any circumstance.

Sissy Love.

I fee like I need to turn my life around.  Like I need to become the person I should be.  I’ve cheated myself so much. Not just from life and living, but from school and people as well. I’ve become this person I don’t even recognize anymore. I’ve become nothing but I lie to my family and some of my friends.  I want to wake up and know that I’m a child of God.  I want to wake up knowing people really love me for who I am, rather than who they think I am. I’m making new goals for myself in life.  I’m making an effort to visit the brew everyday, and visit it alone.  I wanna find myself everyday, and I wanna expect nothing but the good.  I want my life to be great, and I won’t ever have to struggle anymore.  I wanna smile everyday and it be as real as it will ever be.  My goal of the summer is to find who I really am.  I’ve lost myself in all my lies and pretendings.  I wanna make people smile again.  I wanna make myself smile, everyday.

The Lost Girl.